Halo
by CynicalRomantic09
Summary: Few shot. Set four months after Date With the Night. Jude is in a downward spiral and the only person who can save her is the one who broke her heart. T/J
1. Chapter 1

**HALO**

So this is my first few shot. It started out as a one-shot, but it eventually got to be too long. It's still not finished, but I'm planning on wrapping it up today. Hopefully. Anyway, some background info: it takes place four months after "Date With the Night". Barrie happened, the pictures happened, and she posted them on her own website for the same reasons as she had in "Lose Yourself." But the plan backfired and her reputation was shot to hell. This is un-beta'd, so my apologies for any mistakes. My beta is extremely busy lately, but she did briefly look over it.

This few shot is set to the song "Halo" from the One Tree Hill soundtrack.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Instant Star or "Halo"

Now on with the few shot! Please give feedback! It really helps me improve with my writing and it's greatly appreciated!

_**I never promised you a ray of light,  
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday**_

It's been four months since he left. If she thought really hard about it, she could probably even give the hours and seconds, but who was counting? Certainly not her. After all, she was finished with the likes of Tom Quincy. Who needed him?

Okay, well maybe she did, but she would never admit that. She needed him to be there to call her out on her crap, to tell her that she was being stupid, because she knew that she was, but she was getting away with it, so she didn't stop. Nobody really bothered to set her straight. Sadie had tried, but the harder she tried, the angrier Jude got. Finally, after a nasty fight between the sisters, Sadie had stopped trying, which was like a slap in the face to Jude. Never in a million years did she ever think Sadie would ever give up.

The fact that her own sister abandoned her sent her spiraling even further out of control. The late nights partying increased, as did the random number of hookups. Half the time she didn't even know their last name. She didn't care. There was only one last name that mattered to her and he was nowhere to be found.

As she stared out at the water on the pier, she sighed sadly. It was really beautiful out here and the only place she found any comfort anymore. The peaceful sounds of the water hitting the dock soothed her mind and the scenery was so different than any other place in Toronto. She became entranced at the sight before her, watching intently as the moonlight sparkled on the water, creating a tranquil feeling, quite the opposite to her own.

_**I gave you everything I have—the good, the bad.**_

She had been coming here almost every night since he had left, hoping to find some peace, or at least be able to put him behind her. Obviously, he didn't give a damn about her, so why should she care about him? The reason eluded her, frustrated her, and angered her.

She had thought they were finally getting somewhere, and then out of nowhere, he just leaves. Poof. Gone. Possibly forever.

"Thought I'd find you here," a voice interrupted. She shut her eyes, willing him to go away. She was weak right now and knew she wouldn't be able to resist.

_**Why do you put me on a pedestal,  
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,  
So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.**_

"Please leave," she whispered.

"You and I both know that's not what you want, Jude." The sounds of footsteps grew louder, letting her know that he was about to close in on her. The muscles and nerves in her body instantly tensed, not wanting to feel his hands on her right now.

"Josh, I can't deal with this right now." She tried to sound firm, but tonight was worse than others for some reason, which caused her 'firm' protest to come across as weak and unsure.

"You know I have something that could make you feel better." His smooth hands traveled down her arm, sending shivers down her spine. She quickly slapped his hand away and evaded his grasp, trying to put much needed distance between them.

"I'm not in the mood right now," she said harshly. Usually, she was all for screwing Josh, anytime, anyplace. He was a frequent hookup and provided her with a twisted sense of security. She felt wanted when she was around him.

_**One thing is clear,  
I wear a halo  
**_

Josh laughed and she couldn't help but noticed how the moonlight accented his gray eyes. He was hot; there was no denying that. His dirty-blonde hair, twinkling gray eyes, and strong build were enough to make any girl swoon, including Jude.

He smiled with amusement and shook his head as he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled something out. "I wasn't talking about sex for once, Jude."

Jude's eyes widened as she looked at the substance he was holding in his hands. "Coke?" she offered inquisitively.

Equal parts impressed and surprised, he nodded. "Indeed it is, Miss Harrison. This stuff is like magic," he promised.

Jude bit her bottom lip, torn. She had tried marijuana once before and didn't really care for it. She hadn't been in control of herself and the feeling had scared her. So she never bothered with drugs anymore after that.

But, maybe just one line wouldn't be so bad. After all, she had come here tonight, wanting to forget everything and everyone and maybe this was the answer to her problems. She swallowed. "How much?"

Josh smirked. "Tell you what. Since I know for a fact that this would be your first line, I'll let you try it for free. What do you say?" He dangled the bag in front of her as though she were a small child, reaching for a rattle. "You know you want it."

"Fine. But I won't do this shit here. I know a better place," she stated.

"After you," he gestured and was getting ready to place the substance back in his pocket when she stopped him.

"I don't want you there."

He frowned, angry. "Why not? I don't want you to get stoned by yourself, Jude. It's not smart." He rolled his eyes at his own statement and tried again. "Not that getting high in the first place is smart, but that would be even dumber."

"Just give me the damn coke and leave me alone, Josh." She smiled seductively and ran her index finger along the base of his throat, eliciting a groan from him. "I promise I'll make it up to you later."

He gritted his teeth, but eventually complied with her wishes, handing her the bag. "Fine."

She smiled in satisfaction, pleased that she could have so much power over somebody like him. "Thanks babe," she replied as she accepted the bag and kissed him on the cheek.

**_I wear a halo when you look at me  
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so_**

Jude quickly walked to her car, suddenly eager to get away from Josh. Of course she intended to make good on her promise later, but as she told him earlier, she just wasn't in the mood right now. And she needed to get as far away from him as soon possible before he pounced on her.

The sound of the car engine roared to life and after Jude was all settled in and ready to go, she stepped on the gas and left the docks. She smirked as she headed to her new destination. She didn't know why she was headed there; her ass would be fired for sure if she were caught doing coke at G-Major.

But she realized right then that she really didn't care. In reality, it was probably the last place she would get caught doing a line, which was mostly why she was headed there in the first place. G-Major was the last place anybody ever looked for her now, that is if they even bothered to look for her in the first place.

The drive seemed to take forever, even though it only took about ten minutes. The familiar building came into view and she easily found a parking spot, as everybody had gone home for the night. Nobody was ever there that late, unless it was one of the producers or engineers working on an album.

She shut the engine off and quickly found her security card as she made her way to the large door of G-Major. When the light turned green, she swiftly walked inside and started making her way to Studio C, but stopped herself. She slowly turned, looked upstairs and her eyes fell on a door that she had been avoiding for four months.

"It's probably locked," she mumbled. Nobody had used it and she constantly wondered why Darius hadn't assigned somebody else to that office. However, despite her assertation that the door would be locked, she ascended the staircase and headed towards the office that she hadn't been in for a long time.

_**You wouldn't say so, if you were me  
And I, I just wanna love you,  
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you**_

As she reached for the handled and turned the knob, she was surprised to find that it was unlocked. What reason could there possibly be for his office door to be unlocked?

Ignoring the uneasy feeling she started to get, she proceeded into the room and softly shut the door behind her as she flipped the light switch. Her breath caught in her throat and she suddenly felt overwhelmed.

Nothing had changed. All of his things were still there, the big, black leather couch was still present, and it all even still smelled like him. She closed her eyes and inhaled the scent, inwardly chiding herself for doing something so juvenile.

She quickly pulled herself together and made her way over to the couch, pulling her little bag out along the way. Before she sat down though, she looked around for a disc and surprisingly found one on his desk, almost as if it were waiting for her.

Her face blanched when she saw who the artist was. It was her. It was her _Learning Curve_ album. She laughed at the irony of the situation and quickly made her way back over towards the couch, ignoring the fact that she was about to do a line of coke on her own CD.

She got everything prepared, fully ready to do the line when the door flew open. She couldn't help but feel a little pissed off and let down that she had been caught. "What are you doing?"


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks so much for the feedback everybody! I really appreciate it! This second part was kind of my baby, so I nitpicked it to death. It gives a little more insight as to why Jude is on a downward spiral. I hope it's alright and that everybody enjoys it! This part contains a bit more language than the last one, so you've been warned.

Thanks must go to my beta, gwynwhyver! She got an inconsistency, so thanks!

Also, something you should all know that I forgot to mention in the first post is that there's no little girl involved in this story. Tommy just left and that was it.

Also, there might be a sequel to this, depending on the feedback these next two parts receive. I've got ideas spinning around in my head, so we'll see.

Now on with the story. Here it is, part dos.

Please let me know what you all think! I'm always anxious to see my reader's opinions. They make my day.

**HALO**

Part 2

**_I always said that I would make mistakes,  
I'm only human, and that's my saving grace_**

She froze, her eyes widening at the sound of that voice. She'd know it anywhere. She immediately shut her eyes, not wanting to see him. _Make him go away,_ she thought desperately. _Let this be my imagination._ The last thing she had ever expected was for him to show up. After all, he said he wasn't coming back, so why the hell was he here?

"I said what are you doing?" He walked over to her and pulled her up off the couch, lightly shaking her, forcing her eyes to fly open at the contact. He looked angry—angrier than she had ever seen him. "Answer me, damn it. What the hell is this?" he said as he grabbed the rest of the coke from the coffee table and waved it in her face.

Her eyes traveled over his body, taking the almost unfamiliar sight of him in. He looked older, worn out, and just plain exhausted. There were a few wrinkles on his face that hadn't been there before, but if anything, they just enhanced his features. He had new stubble and Jude angrily acknowledged that it made him look even sexier, when normally she found that look to be skuzzy.

She finally found her voice and remembered that she was angry with him. "None of your business, asshole."

He blinked, momentarily taken aback by her poor attitude, but quickly pulled himself together. "You were about to do coke in my office. How is that not my business?"

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was still your office. I thought you had to actually be here in order to have one of those."

His jaw clenched and he backed away from her, clearly frustrated by this new faucet of her personality. She knew he was going to try and get the old Jude to come out, that he was going to try to get her to talk to him, but she wasn't going to give into him. She wouldn't.

"What's going on with you?" he demanded.

She rolled her eyes at how predictable he was. He was a mystery to her. Sometimes he was so hard to read; other times, like now, she could read him like an open book. "As I said already. It's not any of your business. Now if you'll excuse me…" she started to grab her things and head out the door. Just as she had gotten to the exit, he quickly beat her to the door and slammed it shut, blocking her path.

"Like hell," he spat.

"Move away from the damn door, Tom. I have places to go."

Now he rolled _his_ eyes and she wanted to kick him in the shins. She watched as he grabbed the bag of coke again and poured the contents on the floor. Her jaw clenched, angry that he did it, but somehow, unsurprised. "Somehow, I find that hard to believe, considering you were about to snort a line of coke in my office. Unless you're just leaving so you can go get high somewhere else, is that it?"

"Who the hell do you think you are?" She was surprisingly calm as she spoke. She kept her tone at a low decimal and couldn't quite believe that she was pulling this facade that she didn't feel off. "You left. Nobody could get a hold of you. And then, you come back here, out of the blue, thinking that you have a clue? Well you don't! Who are you to judge me and make assumptions like that? My life is no longer your concern, Quincy! So butt out!" she screamed. Towards the end of her little speech, her true emotions finally started to come out and she was unable to hold back any longer. She felt the anger coursing through her body, threatening to eat her alive. Who was he to come back here and demand an explanation?

He laughed and shook his head. "Same old Jude. You—"

**_I fall as hard as I try  
So don't be blinded_**

"I'm not the same! I'm not the Jude Harrison you left behind, so don't come in here and act like you know me, because you don't!"

"But I do know you, Big Eyes."

"Don't call me that," she stated through clenched teeth.

He ignored her and continued on with his little spiel. "Believe me, I've been well informed of the goings-on in your life. I'm far from ignorant as to how you've 'changed.' But we're going to get one thing straight. It's going to stop right now," he stated confidently.

Jude was indignant. "You're not my boss—"

"Actually, I am," he replied smugly. Silence filled the room, the only audible sound being the clicking of his shoes on the wood as he walked over to his desk, apparently confident that she wouldn't try and escape. Well, he would be correct in his assumptions because she was too curious to know what was going on to leave.

Her eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. "What the hell are you talking about?"

He snickered and leaned on the edge of his desk. "Well, apparently your new work has been so shitty that Darius felt the need to bring me back from my home in Chicago. He called me a week ago, asking me to come back here to see if we could get something salvageable out of you. So you see, I'm your producer again, which, therefore, makes me your boss."

Chicago. So that's where he'd been for the past four months. He'd gone to the U.S., a completely different country, leaving everything behind here, not once giving it a second thought. It hurt more than she wanted to acknowledge. They had been a team, close friends, or so she thought, and he had tossed it aside so effortlessly. People had always told her that he was selfish and didn't know how to hold a stable relationship, romantic or otherwise, but would she listen to them? No. She was Jude and she thought she knew best. Well, 'fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me.' She wasn't about to be fooled a third time.

She had to talk to Darius about this. She couldn't work with Quincy again. And more importantly, she wouldn't. So he could just scurry back to Chicago for all she cared. Good riddance. "Screw you. There's no way in hell I'm working with you again."

His eyes twinkled with amusement. There was a mocking glint to them, giving off the air of the familiar child-hood taunt 'I-know-something-you-don't-know.' It was as if he could guess what she was thinking because he tilted his head to the side and asked, "Want to know?" She remained silent, unwilling to play the game. "Come on, girl—"

"Don't—"

"You know want to."

"—call me that."

He rolled his eyes, walked behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders, and leaned his head over her shoulder. "Guess again," he whispered. His statement momentarily confused her, but the confusion only lasted about a millisecond. She had other things on her mind. Like the contact his hands were making on her skin. It left tingles all over her body; she could feel his breath on her skin and her resolve was starting to crumble. Her confusion about his earlier statement was cleared up with his next statement. "If you don't work with me, you're done."

She froze. "What?"

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him nod. "That's right. New orders from Big D himself. If you don't cooperate, you no longer have a job at G-Major." He removed his hands and walked back in front of her, intently studying her as if he were trying to anticipate her reaction.

She carefully weighed her options at this newfound information. Maybe it was time for her to quit. If her boss could bring back the bane of her existence and force her to work with him, then who the hell needed this place? Everybody had left her anyway. Her dad left when she was just barely sixteen, Kat had decided she couldn't be friends with her anymore because she was too successful and was constantly jealous, her mother left the country to be with her divorce lawyer, Tommy left, she and Jamie weren't talking anymore, even Sadie had left, well not physically, but she wasn't there anymore. Jude had made quick work of pushing her away because she had been so certain that Sadie would eventually just give up anyway, and figured it would be easier if she pushed it, that way it would hurt less when the inevitable happened. And she had been right. Sadie did give up.

Everybody she had ever cared about abandoned her, so really, what did she have? She could just leave, take her money with her, and never look back. She had made such a mess of things here, anyway. It would be a chance for her to start over after she created the hole she dug for herself.

She thought back to how things had gotten this bad. Aside from the night of her record release party, things weren't bad after he had left. She had been surprisingly okay after the night at Barrie. Things had slowly started to return to normal and she felt okay. In fact, she was better than okay. She was writing some kick-ass songs and her album sales were still climbing. She had been on top of the world, despite the fact that her producer, her partner, her best friend had left. She was good; life was good.

And then she got the envelope. The package that ruined her. She had hated the idea that somebody else was trying to be in control of her life after she had worked so hard to pull it together, so she had decided to take matters into her own hands. She placed the pictures on her own website, refusing to let some complete stranger dictate her life. But her plan backfired. After she had put those pictures up, her reputation was ruined. She had zero credibility and everybody thought she was some two-bit whore. So she stopped trying to live up to the 'golden girl' image she had established for herself and embraced the rockstar cliché life. She hadn't seen the point in trying to fight it anymore and at least this way she got to have some fun.

And it had been great fun. Her life was carefree now. The only thing she let herself worry about was when the next decent party was. She was having fun and it felt great to not give a rat's ass anymore. But, she supposed it was as they said… all good things must come to an end. She couldn't believe she was in jeopardy of being put on the chopping block. Although, she supposed it wasn't entirely shocking if she were honest with herself. She was costing Darius money and she was actually surprised she still even had a job.

She sighed and quickly realized that even though things were bad right now, if she were to lose her job, things would get even worse. She knew that; she knew she could never quit her music. But she didn't know if she could work with him again. She wasn't prepared to lay it all out on the line as she had when she was sixteen. She wasn't that naïve girl who believed in fairy-tales anymore. She was in touch with reality, and the reality of her life was that if she trusted anyone, they would throw it back in her face, leaving her to pick up the pieces.

She had been so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed Tommy inching closer to her, so she was surprised by the sudden contact his hand made with her cheek. It was then that she realized he was wiping a stray tear that she hadn't even felt escape. "Jude," he whispered. "Talk to me."

She avoided his eyes, knowing that if she were to look directly into them that she would crack. His eyes had always been like weapons to her; he had always been able to persuade her to do anything with those tantalizing blue orbs.

**_See me as I really am  
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin_**

She quickly pulled away from his grasp, unable to stand the electricity that jolted through her body any longer. "I tried that already," she declared vehemently. "I guess you forgot how to pick up a ringing phone while you were in Chicago."

"I'm—"

"Don't even say you're sorry, Quincy. I don't want to hear it." She was livid that he thought he could make this all better with a simple 'I'm sorry.' That just wasn't going to cut it this time. He wasn't going to be able to give her one of his puppy dog looks that he had mastered and make her cave.

"What do you want me to do then? Huh?"

She thought about it and realized that there really wasn't anything for him _to_ do. There wasn't anything he could do to repair the damage he had caused to their friendship. For months, she had wanted nothing more than for him to materialize in front of her and now that he was here, she wanted him out of her life again. She wasn't prepared to let him back in again. So she said the only thing she could think of to say. "I want you to leave. I want you to go back to Chicago and make good on what you said the night you left. Don't come back."

She was surprised when she saw a flash of hurt filter through his eyes. "You don't mean that," he whispered.

"Actually, I do," but she knew in her heart that she didn't. She figured if he left now, it would be easier. She couldn't let herself get attached to him again because she knew if he were to stay that that's exactly what would happen.

Anger quickly replaced the hurt on his features. He was absolutely livid. "Well I'm not going anywhere, so get used to it!" Jude blinked in surprise. Did he just say 'no'? As she studied him, unable to think of anything to say, she realized that in a nanosecond, he had reverted back to the Tom Quincy she had first met. He was, once again, the closed off, unreadable, if-you-look-at-me-the-wrong-way-I'll-punch-you-in-the-face Tom Quincy. "Go home. You need to get some sleep. Your studio time is seven a.m."

"What?!" He had never made her come to the studio that early before! He hated mornings just as much as she did!

"You heard me, Harrison. Now get out of my office and go home." She gritted her teeth, but grabbed her things anyway and headed for the door. "Oh and Jude." She paused with her hand on the doorknob. "This conversation is far from over. If you think I'm letting you get away with this bullshit that easily after what I saw tonight, guess again. We _will_ talk about this."

She didn't reply as she headed out the door. She was frustrated and angry, so she slammed the door behind her as she left and let out a satisfied smirk when she heard him let out a curse as a picture fell off the wall. He may be her boss again, but she sure as hell wasn't going to make it easy for him.

* * *

  
**_So pull me from that pedestal  
I don't belong there_**

Tommy let out a frustrated curse as he went to go hang the picture back up on the wall. After the picture was in its rightful position, he then proceeded to clean up the sugary-white substance he had spilled moments earlier. God, he couldn't believe there was even coke on the floor to begin with. Darius had said it was bad, but he didn't think… he shook his head, letting the thought trail off.

Needless to say, he was shocked as hell when he had come back to his office to find Jude Harrison getting ready to do a line of coke. He had always thought her to be above that; he had always wanted her to be. He didn't want her to get into the same shit that he had when he first joined up with the Boyz. He had been weak and had nearly gotten addicted to that junk. It had almost ruined his life… it had turned him into a guy that he wanted to forget ever existed.

There was so much about him that she had no clue about and he didn't want her to ever find out. He didn't know if he could handle the disappointment that would be sure to grace her features. Before he had left that night, she had held him in such high regards; she had believed in him and sometimes he didn't know if he had always deserved it.

When he saw that stuff getting ready to go up her nose, his heart practically stopped. It was then that he realized he had failed her. He was supposed to be her mentor, the one person that she could always come to and he let her down. She didn't trust him anymore and he didn't know if she ever would again.

Not that he wouldn't deserve that. He couldn't believe his own coldness at the 'goodbye' he gave her, especially after knowing how many people had abandoned her in her life. Sometimes he thought if he could ever get a hold of Stuart Harrison that he would strangle the man with his bear hands. He had been Jude's hero and he just left his family to be with his mistress, hardly ever bothering to call or check up on his girls. And then, less than a year later, her best friend called it quits with her and then her mother does the same thing. She left.

And less than a month after her mother fled the country, he left her with barely a goodbye.

He groaned. He was an ass. It was as simple as that.

But to be fair, he didn't know that his leaving would have catastrophic result. And maybe he was sounding egotistical in presuming that her spiraling out of control was because of his leaving, but he had a sneaking suspicion that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Or that it at least had a profound impact. After all, he knew that she looked up to him, cared about him, considered him to be a close friend, and what's he do? He throws it back in her face because he's a fucking coward, that's what.

The night of their would-be date still sends chills down his spine. The big, scary-looking bouncer type was his father's bodyguard. That's right. His father had a fucking bodyguard for crying out loud. How ridiculous was that?

But, he supposed it was for good reason since he came from a very prominent, wealthy family. He thought back to the fight that he got into with him that night.

_"Thomas." _

_He stiffened, knowing immediately who it was without even turning around. "I would say that it was good to see you, but I would be lying if I did that. Go away, Louis."_

_"I'm afraid I can't do that Mr. DuTois."_

_Tommy clenched his teeth, still refusing to look at him. "It's Quincy. I'm not a DuTois anymore. Remember? Jonathan made sure of that."_

_Louis ignored him, as he often did. He and Jonathan were like two peas in a freaking pod. "All past squabbles aside, I'm going to need you to come with me."_

_Now he did turn on Louis, angry that he thought he could waltz in here and drag him away from his home. "Like hell I'm going to go with you! You see that girl up there?" he pointed up to the stage, but Louis wasn't paying attention. "This is my life now. I'm her producer and you know what, I'm in love with her and I'm not abandoning her at the drop of a hat like I know you want me to!" He blinked. It was the first time he had ever admitted that he loved her. And he admitted it to his ass of a father's bodyguard. _

_But Louis seemed un-phased and continued on. "If you don't come with me, I'll be forced to reveal past discretions of yours to this 'girl' that would ensure you would want to come with me afterwards. You know she wouldn't look at you the same way. They never do. Do you understand, Thomas?"_

_Tommy didn't say anything, but complied, knowing that Louis wouldn't hesitate to tell Jude those horror stories of his misspent youth. He stormed out of the hall in a rage, not being able to look Jude in the eyes…_

He really was a coward. He should have just told her the truth and then he wouldn't be in this mess. She wouldn't be in this mess. Or, at least, he was almost positive she wouldn't be acting this way.

This new Jude was a Jude that he didn't necessarily like. Sure, he still loved her, but he missed seeing the sparkle in her eyes, the smile that he loved, the glowing, radiant skin that had now turned dull. He wanted his girl back. He didn't know how he was going to do it, but he would find a way to bring her back. He had to. He loved her. And he wasn't going to give up.

**_One thing is clear  
I wear a halo_**

The next three weeks were so monotonous Tommy wanted to shoot himself. Everyday, he would get up, go to the studio, try and talk to Jude but get ignored, go home and have a beer to try and relieve some of the tension in his body, go to bed, then get up and do the same thing all over again.

He was growing frustrated and impatient. Jude wouldn't talk to him unless it pertained to work and he never had the opportunity to talk about the coke incident. And he never told anybody else about it, not even Kwest.

Sadie was suspicious that he and Jude had spoken before he arrived for his first day of work because her sister's actions were un-Jude like, apparently. She was being completely professional and shocking the hell out of everybody. Sadie had questioned Tommy about this and he had simply shrugged his shoulders and told her that he had no idea what was going on with her. Which wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth, either. He had a feeling that if Sadie knew that her sister was trying to get into drugs that there would be hell to pay. And he didn't particularly want to be on the receiving end of her wrath again. He had had enough of that when they dated.

So here he was, sitting in Studio A, watching Jude text on her cell phone, laughing because apparently something was funny. "Jude, put the phone away. We've got work to do."

She rolled her eyes. "Like you've never texted on your crackberry while you were supposed to be working? As I seem to re-call, you did that back when you produced my second album all the time when we weren't talking."

He sighed in frustration. "Jude—"

"Fine. I'm putting it away now." He heard her mumble something that sounded like 'asshole' under her breath and that was the last straw. He angrily got up out of his seat and locked the door to the studio. She turned around, surprised at his actions. "What the hell do you think you're doing?! Unlock the door right now!"

"We're going to talk first. No interruptions."

"Unless it pertains to my album, then I have nothing to say to you!"

"Well I have a great deal to say to you and you're going to shut up and listen," he replied stubbornly. He was momentarily stunned when she didn't say anything back to him, so he carried on, determined to try and work through this. He couldn't take it anymore. "This is going to stop. All of it."

"All of what?" she quipped, more than likely playing dumb.

"Jude, you know what I'm talking about. Talk to me. What's going on with you?" She looked down at the floor, which shocked him. Never once in his time of knowing her had she ever done that. "It's still me. You can still talk to me, Jude."

She let out a bitter laugh. "So you can just leave again? No thanks."

**_I wear a halo when you look at me  
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so_**

His heart tore as he heard her say that. So that's what she thought was going to happen. That he was going to leave again. His gaze softened and he walked over to her, taking her cheek in his hand. "I'm not going to leave again. I promise."

For a moment, their eyes connected and he saw the longing in her eyes that said so much. She wanted his words to be true. But then, she closed off again, putting that wall back up and she slapped his hand away. "Your promises don't mean shit, Quincy."

He winced. For the most part, that was a pretty true statement. But it wasn't like he tried to break them on purpose.

"At least let me explain why I left, then," he sighed. He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere with her today as to why she was choosing the self-destructive path, so he decided to try a different approach. One that would hopefully work.

"You actually think I give a damn as to why you left?" she stated forcefully.

"I know you do! So stop pretending like you couldn't care less because I know it's not true. You've been dying to find out why I left with barely a goodbye. You forget that I know you, Harrison."

"So what if I want to know. It's not like it's going to change the fact that you left!"

"It might," he whispered. He could see the hesitation in her body, the curiosity. She wanted to know why he left just as much as he wanted to know why she was acting this way.

"I somehow doubt that."

"You'll never know unless you listen to me!" He was getting impatient and he was growing tired of constantly trying to get the girl to look at him, let alone talk to him. He knew that girls could hold grudges, but good Lord, this was ridiculous. Three weeks and she barely uttered a hello.

Her eyes grazed over his body, as if she were searching for something. It made him feel slightly uncomfortable because the way she was looking at him could definitely be interpreted the wrong way. But, he knew better than to think along those lines because he highly doubted that her thoughts were straying anywhere _near_ his.

She let out an impatient huff. "You asked me to listen and now you aren't even saying anything. Typical."

He raised an eyebrow. "You mean you're going to listen to me? You're not going to fight me on this?"

She clenched her teeth, clearly agitated. "If you don't start talking, I'm going to change my fucking mind. Now get on with it."

He took a deep breath and tried to figure out what to say. He really didn't know where to begin and he was starting to feel flustered. "Okay. We'll start with the obvious. Do you remember that bald guy that came into the club the night I left?" She nodded. "That was my dad's head bodyguard, Louis."

She stared at him skeptically. "Bodyguard?"

He rolled his eyes and nodded. "My dad's an ambassador for the U.S. My family is filthy rich and there was a threat to him, so Louis came to personally drag my ass away from here. They didn't think anybody placing a threat on my dad would connect me to the family, but they had to take all necessary precaution. I ignored your calls in the beginning because I couldn't take them."

Jude bit her lip and looked away. "But after that? After the threat was cleared?"

He took another deep breath and tried to be as careful as he could with his wording. "I didn't call because I had to get myself together, Jude. When I was with my family… when I was with my family, it just reminded me of all the reasons I left them in the first place. They're so suffocating and horrible. I had a lot of self-doubt to work through after I finally got away from them again. It wasn't pretty; I was a fucking mess."

**_You wouldn't say so, if you were me  
And I, I just wanna love you  
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you_**

"Why Chicago?"

He shrugged. "Honestly? I closed my eyes and pointed. That's where my finger happened to land." He could have sworn there was a smirk gracing her lips. But, just as quickly as the smirk had appeared, it died. He sighed. Baby steps.

Silence passed. It was so silent it was almost deafening. If there was ever a moment that he wanted to get inside of her head, it was now. He just wanted to know what she was thinking. He wanted to know if he made any type of progress with that. "Jude?"

She turned away and he wanted to shake her. "Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking, please."

"You're keeping something from me," she whispered.

He froze. Shit. He thought he had been so careful. He wanted to tell her everything; all of it. But he didn't know if he could. He was scared shitless. So he backed out at last second and decided to leave out some minor details. Like the fact that Louis had blackmailed him to get him to leave in the first place. It was a good thing she was turned away from him. That way she couldn't see the panic he was sure was etched on his face. He tried to calm himself. "What are you talking about?" he feigned dumb.

"I know you. You're not telling me everything." She turned around and took a step closer to him. "You say you want me to talk to you, to trust you. How can I do that if you don't trust me?"

With that, she grabbed her things, brushing past him as she unlocked the door. She paused and looked back. "You know? You almost had me," she whispered. And then she left.

He kicked at the chair after the door clicked shut. He placed both hands behind his neck and tugged roughly at the hairs. He had been so close. And he screwed it up again.


	3. Chapter 3

This is the final shot. I haven't decided yet if I'm doing a sequel or not... the ending kind of leaves it open for one though. So depending on the amount of reviews, there might possibly be one.

I didn't know what else to do with this, so I suppose it's finished. I'm not quite happy with it to be honest, but as I said, I didn't know what other changes to make.

Thanks as always goes to **gwynwhyver**. She helped me out quite a bit with this last installment. But, I did make additional changes she hasn't seen, so any mistakes in the additions are purely my own. My apologies for any mistakes.

Thanks so much to everybody who read! I loved writing this and hoped that you all enjoyed it reading it. And an extra special thanks goes to those who reviewed. I really appreicate it!

So here it is... the final part.

As always, please review! I love seeing what my readers are thinking!

Part 3

He glanced at his clock. Three a.m. Who the hell was banging on his door at three in the morning? He grumbled as he got out of bed and began searching for his t-shirt. The knocking became impatient and Tommy was getting irritated. "I'm coming! Hang on!"

He tiredly walked over to the door, opened it, and found an anxious Sadie on the other side. His stomach dropped to the floor. He knew instantly that something wasn't right. The fact that Sadie's eyes were puffy kind of gave that away. "What is it? What's wrong?"

He stepped aside so she could come in, though he didn't have a good feeling about her visit. "Sadie?"

He heard her swallow nervously. "It's Jude. We can't find her."

He suddenly was wide-awake and he instantly tried to calm his mind so it wouldn't trudge up horrible scenarios. It wasn't working. _Okay, okay. Calm down Quincy. Panicking isn't going to help anybody. Deep breaths. _He tried the deep breathing thing and it kind of worked. He allowed another second or two to calm himself and proceeded to try and think of anything that might be useful.

He then remembered something Darius had told him. "I thought this was a frequent occurrence with her. She'd bail, you guys wouldn't be able to find her, and then she'd turn up—" apparently that wasn't the right thing to say judging by the look on Sadie's face, so he immediately shut up.

"How would you know? Were you here when all that happened?" He winced, knowing she had a point. He was surprised to see a guilty looking Sadie when he looked up again. "I'm sorry."

He blinked in surprise, not really expecting an apology for that. Hell, it was true, after all. "It's okay. You don't—"

"No, that was out of line." She bit her lip and looked at him with a mixture of guilt and sympathy in her eyes. "Kwest told me why you left. It's the only reason I'm even standing here right now. I'm sorry and I shouldn't have said that," she sighed. "But you're right. She would do this all the time, but never for this long. She would usually call _somebody_ to let them know she was okay. But nobody's heard anything. We've done a sweep of all her usual spots and nothing. Nobody's even seen her." She hugged herself and rubbed her arms. "I'm worried, Tom."

"We'll find her, okay?" he tried to sound confident, but his voice came across as weak and unsure. Sadie knew her sister better than anybody and the fact that she was worried was unsettling to him. His eyes narrowed as he realized that her boyfriend was nowhere to be found. "Where's Kwest?"

"He's checking out all of her hang-outs again. Just double-checking, you know?" He nodded and silence followed. She glanced at him nervously. "Have you…?"

He immediately understood what she meant and he shook his head. "Sorry, Sadie. I'm kind of the last person she'd come to, anyway." Her face fell and he felt horrible for her. He couldn't begin to imagine the panic and the fear she was feeling. Sure, he was scared, but it wasn't the same thing. Jude was her only sibling and she had no idea where she was… if she was safe or hurt. He never had a connection like that with any of his brothers or sisters, so he had no idea. He tried to give Sadie a supportive smile, one that said that they would find Jude safe and sound. "Let me get dressed. I'll help you guys look for her."

Her voice was hopeful. "Really?"

"Of course. I want to find her, too," he reassured Sadie and she looked as though she was a little more at ease.

Twenty minutes later, he was on the road after reassuring Sadie that he would call if he found Jude. She gave him the names of the places that they had checked already and his face contorted at some of the names on there. It was a testament to just how much Jude had changed since he'd been gone. She wouldn't have been caught dead at those places before. When Sadie had read off the name of a local strip joint, she had to take an additional ten minutes just to calm him down and assure him that Jude wasn't stripping. Apparently she was 'friends' with the owner. He had a feeling Sadie was using that term loosely, but didn't press the matter.

He sighed as he drove aimlessly. He never thought he'd be looking for Jude Harrison at nearly four in the morning. This seemed like more of a Tommy thing to do.

He bit his lip as he thought of a possible place she might be. He didn't know if she'd be there or not, but Sadie and Kwest had tried everywhere else, even her old hangouts.

He turned his blinker on, made an immediate left, and prayed that she would be there. They were running out of places she would go and it was getting rather discouraging.

He felt himself growing anxious as the rehearsal space building came into view. He really doubted she'd be here, but it was worth a shot.

He easily found a parking space, made quick work of locking his vehicle, and headed for the old club. He made his way down to the floor of 'their spot,' growing more and more nervous with each step. As he approached the door, he swallowed, praying that she was here. The sound of the old creaking door filled the air, protesting at being pried open after staying shut for so long. It created a ghostly, eerie feeling; it sounded downright creepy.

He braced himself as he peered inside.

His heart sank. She wasn't here. Not that he expected her to be, but he thought maybe she might have chosen this place to hideaway. It was a good hiding spot, after all. Not many people knew about it.

He sighed, trying to think of another place she could be. He worked with her once, right? Right. They had shared a connection once, right? Right. So maybe… he shut his eyes, trying to picture where she would go, what place would hold a sentimental meaning to her. And just like that, he knew where she was. Or at least he hoped he did.

**_Why you think that you know me  
But in your eyes _**

Jude sat at the pier, staring out into the water. She knew her sister and Kwest were probably frantically searching for her by now, but she just couldn't deal with them right now. She needed time to collect herself and pull it together. Yes, she knew she was being selfish, but she didn't care. Not right now, anyway.

Nobody knew she came to the pier; she had always given off the air of hating this place. So nobody would think to look for her and that's why she was here. Only one other person knew that she came here to think and that was Josh. And he wouldn't tell Sadie or Kwest where she was. She knew that much.

She had come so close to letting Tom Quincy back in her life again today. She had slowly started cracking as he was telling her what happened, but there was something about his demeanor that triggered a red flag. She had gotten the distinct feeling that he wasn't being entirely honest with her. That story of his just seemed too simple.

And Tom Quincy wasn't simple. She had learned that at the early age of fifteen when he had run out of hair gel and forced an intern to go to the store and get some more for him.

She had teased him mercilessly for days afterwards, always earning a scowl from him because of her jabs. He had said it was a 'hot day' and his hair was a nightmare when it got frizzy. Kwest would always reply that he just wanted an excuse to look in the mirror some more, which, in turn, would cause Jude to smirk. Tommy didn't need an excuse to look in the mirror. Those banters had always been a good source of entertainment for Kwest and he usually egged them on.

She shook her head at how complicated things had become for them. No longer were they arguing about hair gel usage and mirrors. All she wanted from him was the truth. Was that so damn hard?

She had been so lost in thought that she didn't hear footsteps approaching. If she had, she would have made a beeline for her car, which luckily was only a few steps away. "It's pretty, isn't it?" She froze. Damn it. Why did it have to be _him_?

"Josh. Now's really not a good time."

"Even for me?" he inquired.

"Especially you. I just… I just need time to myself."

He let out a frustrated sigh. "You've been saying that a lot lately, you know that?"

"And I'm sorry, alright! I just have a lot of shit going on right now."

"I guess I can understand that." Silence passed and she heard the shuffling of feet. He cleared his throat. "So how'd my suggestion work out for you last time?"

She gritted her teeth angrily as she remembered just what happened to his 'solution'. Talk about a let down. She turned around to face him and shrugged. "It was confiscated."

"You got caught?! What's the matter with you?"

She scoffed, angry that he seemed to think she did it on purpose. "It's not like I was expecting my producer to pop back into my life at that exact moment! He'd been gone for the last four months, so how was I supposed to—"

He put his hands up in a surrendering motion. He knew Tommy was practically a taboo topic. "Okay, okay. Claws back in, please." He reached in his pocket and pulled out another bag of coke. "Just so happens, I managed to get my hands on this for free. If you want it, it's yours."

She bit her lip, not knowing what to do this time. She knew she shouldn't, she knew that. But it could be so easy. All she had to do was reach her hand out, take that small bag, and after a few lines, she would be numb. Just like that. It was what she wanted. She was tired of feeling.

She started to reach for the bag, but paused as a picture of Tommy's angry face filtered through her head. He had been so mad when he walked in that office. And disappointed. She had known at the time that he was disappointed, but didn't like to focus too much on that part. She didn't like the feeling in the pit of her stomach when she thought about it.

Shit. There it was. That stupid feeling that she didn't like to think about. Only this time, it came at her like a tidal wave. It made her feel physically ill and for a second she thought she might actually throw up.

She quickly pulled her hand back and let out a frustrated scream. She walked over to her car and angrily kicked at the tire. Damn it. Why was he still influencing her so much? Why did she care so much about what he thought?

"You know you don't have to take it, right? I know you're not into this stuff, I just… I'm sorry."

She sighed. "It's okay," she turned back to face him again. "I was just going through a brief mental block, but it's gone now." She wasn't going to let him control her life. If she wanted to do coke, so what? She didn't need his approval. Embrace the cliché. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. She could deal with that_._

She ignored that feeling in her stomach that was swiftly returning as she reached up to take a hold of the bag. She wasn't going to let him get to her anymore. She was going to move past him—as they like to say, she was going to cut the cord.

As she was getting ready to accept the bag, Josh was violently pulled away from her. _What the hell?_

Josh was now completely pinned against her vehicle, so she couldn't immediately tell who the attacker was because his back was facing her. But she had a feeling she already knew who it was… even without looking.

She groaned as she saw the back of a guy in a very familiar leather jacket. How had she not even heard him approach?

"Who the hell are you?" Josh demanded.

**_I am something above you  
It's only in your mind _**

"Somebody you _don't_ want to piss off, and I'm sorry to say that you've already done that."

She huffed in annoyance. He really got on her nerves sometimes. "What the hell are you doing here, Tommy?"

Josh quirked an eyebrow. "So _this_ is Quincy?" He started laughing after she nodded her head. She cringed as the laughter vibrated through the air. The only thing Josh was doing was pissing Tommy off even more.

She was feeling irritated, not to mention she was exhausted. She sighed, "What are you doing here, Tom?" she asked again.

Finally, he turned his head away from Josh to glare at her. "Looking for _you_, what do you think?"

"Looking for me, huh? Well you found me, so now you can go," she said dismissively.

Josh smirked arrogantly at Tommy. "Hear that, 'Lil Tommy Q? She said to leave, so leave."

Jude groaned. Oh Josh had no idea what he just did.

As predicted, Tommy was fully pissed now. He pulled Josh away from the car by the collar of his jacket and proceeded to shove him forcefully back up against the car again. "The name's Quincy, punk, and I would advise you to shut your mouth. Like I said, you _don't_ want to be on the receiving end of my anger."

She could tell Josh was a little scared of Tommy now. Hell, she would have been scared of him the second he said not to piss him off. But, being the stubborn jackass that he was, Josh wasn't about to let an ex-boybander intimidate him. "What are you going to do, huh? Shake your ass at me? Sorry, but I don't swing that way."

Tommy was grinning sardonically by this point and Jude audibly gulped. That was most definitely the wrong thing to say to Tom Quincy.

"What am I going to do? That's a good question kid. How 'bout I forget the fact that I went to juvie for murder?" he said dangerously.

Jude gasped and Josh immediately cowered, offering no smart-ass remark in return. But it was as if Tommy had realized his mistake. His eyes shut and he immediately released Josh, slowly turning to Jude. He shook his head and opened his eyes again. He began to take a step towards her but she took three steps back from him.

Murder.

He murdered somebody.

Oh God.

She was in love with a killer.

She was visibly shaking and she felt like she was going to be sick. Scratch that. She _was _going to be sick.

She turned away from him and simultaneously met the contents of her stomach.

As she was heaving her dinner, she felt a hand brush her hair out of her face, holding it back as she continued to vomit.

Finally, when she was finished, she realized whose hand was holding her hair back.

_His_.

She immediately moved away from him because she couldn't deal with the friction he was causing. She just found out that he had killed somebody; she didn't need to be reminded of the fact that a simple touch made her want to jump his bones.

"Jude… I can explain."

"Explain?" Her voice was scratchy and hardly recognizable. Her head was spinning and she didn't know how to process this new information. "How could you possibly explain murder?"

She avoided his gaze, unable to look at him. This… this… how was she supposed to look past something like this? How was she supposed to be okay with it? She didn't know if she could. Her faith in him had diminished to practically nothing the minute he left her calling out his name in the middle of the street. She didn't know if she could believe anything he said now.

As she looked around, she noticed that Josh was now gone. Somehow, she wasn't surprised.

"I didn't have a choice. I swear. I would never murder somebody in cold blood!" he stated determinedly.

She didn't say anything. She didn't know what _to_ say.

She refused to look at him, so she gazed out at the pier, turning her body completely away from him. "Self-defense?" she whispered. Her voice came across as disbelieving; it almost sounded accusatory.

"I… Jesus you weren't supposed to find out like this." He let out an aggravated sigh. "I was going to tell you about it earlier today, but I backed out. I knew this would happen. You're going to tune out everything I say."

Jude's anger rose as he finished speaking. "_Don't_ tell me how I'm going to react!"

"You're doing it right now! I disgust you and it's evident. You won't even listen to what I have to say!"

"That's not true!" she shouted right back.

He rolled his eyes. "Self-defense?" he mocked.

For some reason, she actually felt guilty. He was right. She was jumping to conclusions too quickly, something she always did. But how the hell was she supposed to react to something like that? She had no idea.

She didn't want to believe him at all, actually. She wanted to believe that he just said that as a scare tactic for Josh, but seeing the way he was handling himself, the self-loathing written all over his face, she could tell it was true. He had taken a human life. He wasn't lying.

She realized then that she didn't know him at all. She had always been so sure she had Quincy figured out.

She sighed as she watched him walk away from her to sit at the edge of the pier. He needed her to listen to him and she wasn't.

She had always told him that she wanted the truth. Well she got it and this was how she was acting? No wonder he was flipping out; no wonder he never told her the truth to begin with. Maybe he knew her better than she thought he did.

The thought was unsettling.

So maybe she should surprise herself _and _him. She needed to not be a kid—the thing he always accused her of being. She decided it was time to be a grown-up. She finally got what she wanted and now she needed to let him explain himself—without being judgmental.

She walked over to him and sat down next to him, trying to create a comfortable distance between them. She didn't want to be too close to him, but at the same time, she didn't want him to back out of talking to her. She had a feeling if she was too standoffish that he wouldn't talk.

He looked over at her and she felt her heart breaking for him. The look on his face told her that he had often thought about telling her the truth, but it was this constant struggle for him. One look said so much and she felt her throat tightening.

She looked away to look out at the water, waiting for him to talk when he was ready.

He took a deep breath and she thought he was going to start talking, but he didn't. She glanced over at him and saw that his eyes were tightly shut, as if he were trying to block something out of his mind with his eyes. "Tommy?" He didn't say anything and her eyes narrowed. Did he not hear her? "Tommy?" she whispered. It was like he was in his own world, shutting out everything and everyone around him. The sight was entrancing. It was as though he had drifted off to another place entirely. His body was present, but she had a feeling that was the only bit of him that was.

She was almost afraid. Almost. When he didn't answer again, she reached her hand out and touched him lightly, tentatively on the shoulder.

His eyes snapped open at the contact and she immediately removed her hand.

But something strange happened.

He grabbed her hand and held onto it tightly, squeezing it—and she didn't pull away.

The strange thing was that she realized that she didn't want to, either.

"It happened in junior high," he finally croaked out.

She was finally going to hear it. The truth. Only now, she wasn't sure she wanted to. "You don't have to—"

"I need to. I _have_ to. It just might take me a while." She nodded, waiting for him to gather his thoughts.

She wasn't sure how much time had passed—she was too aware of his very large, calloused hand wrapped around her own. Her stomach was doing summersaults at the sensations he was causing. She swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous for some reason.

She bit her lip as he started to talk again. "I was taking a walk after school go meet my 'gang' as we liked to call ourselves. If you couldn't guess already, I wasn't a good kid. I was a troublemaker, a bully… I was basically a Holy terror. Even at thirteen I had a lot of issues—ones that nobody seemed to want to deal with. By that age, I had made quite a name for myself down at the local precinct.

"Anyway, that day I took a shortcut, or at least I thought it was, and wound up in a really bad neighborhood instead. Some guy jumped me and started beating the shit out of me. I tried to fight him off, but he was so much bigger than me…"

He squeezed her hand tightly again and she could feel him shaking. He hung his head before he continued. "I had a switchblade I carried with me all the time and somehow I managed to get to it. I don't even remember reaching for it. But uh, the next thing I knew, the knife was in this guy's stomach."

He was silent after that and Jude didn't know what to say. She had so much to process. She couldn't believe she had finally heard the truth and that he finally let her in and told her everything. Now that she knew the story, she didn't know what to do with it.

She knew it had taken a lot for him to come out and tell her something so horrible that he had done.

As she silently watched him, she wondered what was going through his head; how he was dealing with everything. Most of all, she wanted to know if now that he told her the truth, he wanted to run. That's what he was known for, after all.

He must have felt her gaze because before she knew it, he looked over to her and slightly raised an eyebrow. "You don't have anything to say?"

She sighed and for some reason intertwined their fingers. She didn't know what possessed to her to do it, but it felt… right.

"Why did you call it murder?" she whispered.

He scrunched his face, confused apparently. "What are you talking about? I _killed_ somebody, Jude. Or did you miss that part?" he said bitterly.

She smiled softly and shook her head, "No, Tommy. I didn't. But what you did… that wasn't murder. That guy was probably going to kill you if you hadn't—"

He roughly pulled his hand away and stood up, walking away from her. "That doesn't change the fact that another man lost his life because of me. Obviously the cops agreed with me. Apparently my record was against me," he finished ruefully.

"But if you were beaten as badly as—"

"Jude, I was lucky I even got tried as a minor! Like I just said, my record was against me and I was known for lying habitually. The judge on the case had dealt with the me before and wasn't known for being lenient. Plus, it didn't help matters much that the one witness to everything lied on the stand."

"What?"

He nodded. "It was the guy's brother. I had run away from the scene because I was afraid, so that didn't help my case any. It just made me look even guiltier. The guy's brother identified me when they did the sketch. They took me into custody a day later and when I went to trial, the guy completely distorted the story. Nothing was working in my favor, so eventually I was found guilty and went to juvie."

"How'd you get out?"

He sighed and walked back over to the edge of the pier. He sat down again before he answered. "Pure luck, really. Out of nowhere, the guy's brother confessed that he lied on the witness stand. Apparently, he was feeling too guilty that he lied to get some twisted revenge on me. But, really I give all the credit to a woman who changed me forever." He smiled, apparently remembering the woman he was talking about. "Mrs. McCally. She's a fierce lady. She introduced me to music and taught me everything she knows. She was a godsend. If it hadn't been for her, I probably would have went right back to jail. She was actually responsible for my Boyz Attack audition."

She smirked and Tommy rolled his eyes. "This is a serious conversation, Harrison. _Must_ you ream me for my Boyz Attack days?"

"I must. You know if an opportunity presents itself…"

**_Only in your mind  
I wear a_**

For the first time since his return, they sat in a comfortable silence, which she found odd, considering the conversation they just went through.

She felt so much more at ease now that she listened to him. And what's more was she believed him. Every word. It felt nice.

He looked at her and smiled softly as he took her hand again. She stared and felt her heart hammering in her chest. She barely registered the fact that Tommy was speaking. "You know, for a night that started out extremely shitty, it's turned out pretty nice," he whispered.

She didn't say anything, but simply stared at their hands. She wasn't sure how she felt about it. Yes, it felt nice—no, it felt great, was more like it—but there were still things holding her back. Mainly herself.

She wasn't good enough for him; she didn't deserve him. Not after all the shit she's pulled the last couple of months.

She slowly and reluctantly pulled her hand out from his. He frowned and she looked away, but he reached out his hand and turned her face back to his, wanting an explanation for her actions.

She shut her eyes and savored the warmth his hand on her cheek offered. But she knew she wouldn't be able to talk to him with his hand resting on her cheek like that. She brought up both of her hands to his wrist and pulled his arm down. "What's going on, Jude? I thought…"

She smiled and shook her head. "It's me, Tommy. I just… I'm not in a good place right now," she whispered. "There's a lot going on that you don't know about." He nodded, shifting away from her slightly. _And it starts…_ They really did make quite the pair. She sighed. "Tommy, don't."

"I get it. It's fine," he stated.

"No, you don't get it. I'm messed up! I have a lot of things that I need to deal with." She brought her knees to her chest and hugged her legs, resting her chin on her kneecaps. "When you left, I didn't handle it very well," she finally admitted. She was even more shocked that she admitted it to him.

"Jude. I didn't tell you all of this so you would tell me what's going on with you—"

"I know that. I know. I just… I need to get this out, okay?"

He nodded. "Okay."

She stared at him, studying him. "Don't interrupt me. If you start doing that thing where you feel guilty and try to cut me off—"

"I won't interrupt you. Promise," he chuckled.

She nodded and continued. She knew if she didn't continue right then that she would back out later. She took a deep breath and tried to prepare herself. "When you left, I didn't know what to do. I was so confused and hurt and angry. So I bailed on my record-release party. I met Mason in Barrie and a lot happened that night. A lot of things I regret.

"I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to feel anything, so when a guy offered to buy me some shots, I accepted. I didn't think for once—I just went with it. I don't remember how much I had to drink, but I know it was a lot. It was enough to get me drunk."

She paused, shuddering as she remembered waking up the next morning. She had been in her bra and underwear, completely confused and disoriented. She remembered feeling so panicked when she looked down and realized what she was wearing… or not wearing, rather.

And her panic had only increased when she realized she couldn't remember what happened.

"I don't really remember much, to be honest. Mason told me he saw the guy take me to the room, but after that, I don't know anything. The next thing I remember was waking up in my bra and underwear." She heard Tommy's sharp intake of breath and she couldn't bear to look at him. She turned away, embarrassed and ashamed that she was even telling this story in the first place.

She was grateful for his silence. She wasn't sure she couldn't handle anything else. "When I went back home the next morning, I wanted to put that night behind me—I wanted to put _you_ behind me. So, I did everything I could to stay busy. I wrote like crazy, recorded, even produced a few of my own songs. Everything was going so well and I was happy.

"But then about a month after the Barrie incident, a package arrived for me. I didn't recognize who it was from, but I opened it anyway, assuming it might be fan-mail or something."

She paused again and shut her eyes, wishing she had never gotten that stupid package. "It wasn't fan-mail."

"What was it?"

"Blackmail," she whispered. "The guy that bought me the drinks had taken pictures of me, apparently, and demanded 50,000 or he was going to turn them over to the press. I didn't have that kind of money and even if I had had it, I doubted I would have given it to him. I was so angry that after I worked so hard at pulling everything together, somebody was threatening to take it all away from me.

"So, I took matters into my own hands, wanting to be the one in control. I posted the pictures on my website, going against the blackmailer, trying to shoot down his plan. But the joke was on me. My reputation was ruined after that. I couldn't get anybody to take me seriously. My fans were slowly turning on me… my album sales were plummeting.

"My father… my father was angry. He actually called and started laying into me, basically telling me how stupid I was for doing something like that. We haven't spoken since. Mom called and I basically went through the same thing with her. She was calling to tell me how embarrassed she was that I would do something so reckless and irresponsible.

"I didn't know who to turn to. Jamie was always with Patsy, Spiederman was never around, and Mason was still on tour. I didn't really have anybody. I felt isolated. Sadie was there, but she was so busy. I felt like a burden to her and that just made me even angrier. So I started going out to party and let loose… to just forget everything.

"Soon after I started partying, I met Josh at The Chain and basically things progressed to what they are now. I just was tired of it. Nobody was taking me seriously anyway, so I didn't know why I was trying so hard anymore. I just started partying even harder with Josh and he introduced me to a new lifestyle. He gave me this weird sense of security. It's hard to explain, but I guess I just feel wanted when I'm around him… And you should know that I've only ever done drugs once, Tommy. I had tried some marijuana and hated it, so I never really did it again after that. The past two times you caught me with the coke were the only other times I'd even considered doing drugs again. I swear."

She looked over at Tommy who had a somewhat blank expression on his face. There was one readable emotion—he looked mad. "Are you finished?" he asked with a clipped tone.

She nodded, not trusting her voice anymore. She knew he would be disappointed, but this was almost too much for her to deal with. After she had listened to him without judging him, this was what she got? She knew she shouldn't have said anything, she knew she shouldn't have let him back in again.

Well, at least now she knew. Now she could protect herself from him again…

"Jude, I'm sorry."

She blinked, not quite sure she heard him correctly. "What?"

"I'm sorry. If I hadn't let Louis—"

She knew where he was going with this and cut him off immediately, feeling relief that she had been wrong with her assumptions. "Tommy, this isn't your fault. It was my choice to go to Barrie," she stated stubbornly.

"But if I hadn't left, you wouldn't have gone! We would have been on our date and you wouldn't have to deal with any of this right now."

"Stop it. I told you before I started talking not to do this. _I_ made that choice to go to Barrie, not you. It was stupid and I shouldn't have been so dependent on you in the first place. Maybe I blamed you in the beginning, but I realize now that that's not fair. The only person that made me go to that bar was me. So don't do this. You had no control over any of it."

More silence passed and she had to admit that she felt better now that she talked about some of it. It felt like a huge load had been lifted off her shoulders. She couldn't believe that she and Quincy just sat down and had a conversation like this and were as calm as they both were.

She still wasn't quite sure how she felt about things between her and Tommy, but she didn't feel the need to be so hostile towards him anymore.

If she were honest with herself, she'd admit that she had missed him. It was a lot of work staying angry with him and it was very tiring. She wanted him back in her life, but she wasn't sure as what. She didn't know if things would ever go back to the way they once were.

**_I wear a  
I wear a Halo_**

He sighed, voicing the very question that she had just been thinking about. "So where does this leave… us?"

"I don't know," she answered honestly. She looked away from him as she spoke again. For some reason, she was too afraid to look at him for this. "But I do know that I want you back in my life again. I miss you," she whispered timidly.

For the second time that night, he turned her head towards him, forcing her chin up to look at him. He was smiling and he brought his forehead to hers. "I missed you too, Big Eyes," he said softly.

She couldn't fight the smile that was forming on her lips even if she wanted to. It felt so good to be here like this with him, to have everything out in the open.

She saw him leaning in the rest of the way and for a second, she thought he was going to kiss her. She sighed in relief when she felt his arms wrap around her waste instead, enveloping her in a hug that felt long over-do. She quickly returned the hug, and sighed, content.

For the first time in a long time, she thought she might be okay again.


End file.
